Response to the best complaint letter READ PRIOR POST FIRST!!

T'was the 7th of December and all through the office
not a person was shirking not even the bosses.
The papers were piled up on the desks with care
in hopes that filing soon would be there.
The workers all toiled at their various stations
while dreaming of dancing, raises, vacations.
Mr Ross with his pen, and I with my pad,
had just finished letters. No, none were bad.

When out in the front, there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter.
Away to the portal I flew in a flash,
threw open the door, my foot I did gash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a letter of complaint, Oh Dear, NOT HERE!
The nasty old letter, so detailed, so thick,
I knew in an instant, it wasn't a trick.

More rapid than eagles, Mr Ross did come,
as he turned and shouted and called us all dumb.
"Now Stupid! Now, Slow! Now Lazy and Mopey!
On Dunce! On Stooge! On Bonehead and Dopey!
Find the culprit, I want him to fall!
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!

As quivering idiots flew every which way,
we all went a hunting the one who must pay.
Calls to Taiwan, faxes back to Dallas,
find the one wishing dear Katie malice.
The demon is hiding, we can't make him pay.
Hang him at dawn,....No....No right away.

Satisfy the customer. We must make amends,
make him happy, before this day ends.
Your letter is read once, twice and again,
a lawsuit is threatened, but no in the end.
The fever abated, a lamp, we should send.
We'll send him a lamp, her fishy will play,
Oh please, let this make the complaint go away.
On this, we decided this is what we should do,
instead of wishing the culprit the flu.

We ran to the warehouse to find us a light.
Oh, please let us find one, fore day turns to night.
Running around, yelling out orders.
Find me the light for Dave's little daughter.
"Box it all up, make it all pretty."
"Send it to him, whose letter is witty."
"Say that we're sorry and beg his forgiveness"
"Never happen again, as God is my witness."
"Throw in some extras, and label the box"
"Get UPS here before 5 o clock"

As I drew my head and was turning around,
down the drive UPS came with a bound.
He was dressed all in brown from his head to his foot,
And in his hand he held out the book.
A bundle of packages he had flung on his back,
And he said, "Hey, just sign here Mack"

His eyes how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry,
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.

He had a broad face, and a little round belly
that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump-a right jolly old elf-
and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word but went right to his work,
loading the packages, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose
and giving a nod, he stepped on my toes.

He sprang to his truck, at a girl he did whistle,
and away went the lamp, like the down of a thistle.
Bur he head us exclaim as he drove out of sight:

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO KATIE,
AND TO JAWS AND NEW LIGHT!"

The best complaint letter (to be followed by my response)

This is from December 1, 1994 from a company I worked at for a short while. The customer bought a small aquarium that stated that there was an enclosed lamp. However the company that made the aquarium failed to include the lamp in any of the packages. The company I worked for had our shipping dept put the lamp in the package when the aquarium was shipped. Evidently this package got missed and we received the following letter.

Attention: Customer Service Manager

To whom it may concern;

On the evening of Tuesday Nov, 29th, I began my quest to find a rather special birthday gift for my daughter Katie. It seems her goldfish Jaws (AKA the goldfish that WILL NOT DIE), was very unhappy with his temporary living quarters which had been fashioned out of a small (and rather smelly) pickle jar! Is garlic bad for goldfish? Never mind it's not important. You see, the aquarium in which Jaws had been so blissfully living in since Christmas '92 had blown it's air pump, and was no longer fit for habitation by man or beast (or fish).
So far this is all pretty routine. I have no bones to pick with the maker of the aquarium, after all it was two years old and we got our money's worth out of it. However, it was time to surprise Katie with a new one and after going to several stores, I ended up in a K-Mart Superstore some 15 miles from my home.
On the shelf I found what appeared to be THE PERFECT AQUARIUM! It was small, self contained and said to contain everything but the fish! Could this be? I began to read the side panel (See enclosed photo copy). Hey, we're talking a complete 1 gallon aquarium with colorful artificial plant life, a hidden pump, a socket and switch complete with bulb, ETL approved, instruction booklet, U/L approved electrical parts, 1 gallon clear plastic tank, decorative gravel, food duct for easy feeding, under-gravel filtration system, and a plastic base. I rubbed my eyes - could it be true? I turned the box to the other side panel, same think! All four sides of the box are in total agreement AND, it was ON SALE!
Oh, this was my lucky day. You see, some men win the lottery, some men win the Olympics, I had only been running around for two hours, had found what I wanted, didn't get in a wreck, and managed to avoid getting mauled by the other happy holiday shoppers. AND, it was ON SALE!! This truly could be the first day of the rest of my life!
I opened the box and checked the contents, everything seemed to be in order, packaging undisturbed, clean, nice bubble wrap (really nice bubble wrap!). I rushed home in my excitement to wrap it up for my daughter who's birthday was the next day.
I got up early, left the present on the table and went to work. I could hardly concentrate all day in anticipation of arriving home to see Jaws basking the glow of an illuminated ETL approved 1 gallon clear plastic tank with colorful artificial plant life and decorative gravel AND a food duct for fast easy feeding!! AND, it was ON SALE!!
As I turned into my driveway - I sensed something was terribly wrong. The tank was dark, DARK I SAY! What would the neighbors think? I dashed into the house to question Katie as to why she did not turn the UL approved switch that would apply power to the socket complete with bulb? She handed me the instruction booklet and pointed to the fine print in the lower left hand corner - "Does not include light". What?, wait a minute, I read the box again (all four sides) and there it was, just like I remembered when I was standing in the K-Mart Superstore, "socket and switch complete with bulb". Now I'm no genius, but the only thing I can think of for a "switch, socket and bulb" to do would be to make LIGHT!
I'll admit I was confused, but I carefully considered my options!
A. Kill myself! (counter productive),
2. Kill the fish! (animal rights issue - this IS California ya know!).
OR
D. File a Class Action lawsuit.
Yes! Yes! Yes! THAT'S IT! Deceptive packaging, false advertising, pain and suffering (writer's cramp), emotional trauma (NO! NO! NO!, not me.....THE FISH!!). This could be huge I'm telling you, HUGE! National front page coverage and everthing !! Film at eleven.... Ok OK!, you'd probably say the guy who made the box screwed up. And the guy that made the box would say that the plant in Taiwan didn't mention a light, and the plant in Taiwan would fire all the workers and the Taiwanese economy would collapse. The whole thing could turn into an international incident - right before Christmas too. This whole ugly mess could last longer than the fish. SO.....
3. I decided to write a letter.
I'm a reasonable man and am willing to negotiate. It's not the money you know, (Did I mention I got it on sale?). Perhaps you could just send me the "socket and switch complete with bulb" that was promised on the outside of the box, and I'll forget about calling Shapiro! As a substitute, I would certainly accept one of the new "clamshell light kits designed for my special gift idea purchase" advertised on the piece of paper inside the box (that can't be seen from outside the box) that says "does not include light".
The perfect solution you know! Katie will stop crying - Jaws can begin to recover his self esteem - and last (but not least), I won't have to take this bloody aquarium 15 miles back down the 91 freeway to stand in the return line of a K-Mart Superstore roughly the size of Cleveland, which would force me to seriously re-consider option A.
Happy Holidays!
Signature (name withheld as I have no permission to post it)
CC: K-Mart Corp.

You think this is becoming? attractive? less than GROSS? Really?

Someone sent me this picture in one of those unsolicited, boring emails. When I saw it I almost spit my drink all over the monitor. Which is probably the reaction this person was going for in the first place.

YIKES!!! This is scariest thing I think I’ve seen in a long, long time. Why on earth would anyone put themselves thru this?

I can’t imagine ANYONE ever hiring this person for any job. Even a tattoo parlor or piercing salon wouldn’t want this hanging around. I would think he/she would be detrimental to business.

“You too can look like this! Think of the money you’ll save since you won’t need to buy deodorant, soap, toothpaste or laundry detergent. No one will want to be anywhere around you so you don’t need to smell good. Here’s an example of what you could look like if we take full advantage of your lack of sense. And in the process help ourselves to as much of your money as we possibly can. We will tattoo and pierce you until money stops oozing from your pockets. Don’t worry about the oozing sores from all the piercings. They’ll go away with your purchase of one of our antiseptic packages from our convenient clinic next door. Call now to make an appointment”

Maybe he/she could get a job in a circus or a sideshow or even a haunted house. I know I would run far and fast if this was chasing me. Why am I wishing that someone would tell me that this picture is Photoshopped? I really don’t want to think that some poor demented person paid good money to have this done to them on purpose. And that some unscrupulous tattoo parlor or piercing salon took full advantage of them.

While I fully endorse free expression and believe in the adage “To each their own”, I really have a hard time with this.

Anyway, Welcome to my current nightmare…..this picture has taken up permanent residence in my brain like one of those insidious ear worm songs that float around in your head over and over. I’m hoping that by passing it on to the bits and bites of the internet IT might worm it’s way out of my psyche.

My fingers are crossed!

Technorati Tags: tattoos,piercings,photoshop,nightmares,scary