This is from December 1, 1994 from a company I worked at for a short while. The customer bought a small aquarium that stated that there was an enclosed lamp. However the company that made the aquarium failed to include the lamp in any of the packages. The company I worked for had our shipping dept put the lamp in the package when the aquarium was shipped. Evidently this package got missed and we received the following letter.
Attention: Customer Service Manager
To whom it may concern;
On the evening of Tuesday Nov, 29th, I began my quest to find a rather special birthday gift for my daughter Katie. It seems her goldfish Jaws (AKA the goldfish that WILL NOT DIE), was very unhappy with his temporary living quarters which had been fashioned out of a small (and rather smelly) pickle jar! Is garlic bad for goldfish? Never mind it's not important. You see, the aquarium in which Jaws had been so blissfully living in since Christmas '92 had blown it's air pump, and was no longer fit for habitation by man or beast (or fish).
So far this is all pretty routine. I have no bones to pick with the maker of the aquarium, after all it was two years old and we got our money's worth out of it. However, it was time to surprise Katie with a new one and after going to several stores, I ended up in a K-Mart Superstore some 15 miles from my home.
On the shelf I found what appeared to be THE PERFECT AQUARIUM! It was small, self contained and said to contain everything but the fish! Could this be? I began to read the side panel (See enclosed photo copy). Hey, we're talking a complete 1 gallon aquarium with colorful artificial plant life, a hidden pump, a socket and switch complete with bulb, ETL approved, instruction booklet, U/L approved electrical parts, 1 gallon clear plastic tank, decorative gravel, food duct for easy feeding, under-gravel filtration system, and a plastic base. I rubbed my eyes - could it be true? I turned the box to the other side panel, same think! All four sides of the box are in total agreement AND, it was ON SALE!
Oh, this was my lucky day. You see, some men win the lottery, some men win the Olympics, I had only been running around for two hours, had found what I wanted, didn't get in a wreck, and managed to avoid getting mauled by the other happy holiday shoppers. AND, it was ON SALE!! This truly could be the first day of the rest of my life!
I opened the box and checked the contents, everything seemed to be in order, packaging undisturbed, clean, nice bubble wrap (really nice bubble wrap!). I rushed home in my excitement to wrap it up for my daughter who's birthday was the next day.
I got up early, left the present on the table and went to work. I could hardly concentrate all day in anticipation of arriving home to see Jaws basking the glow of an illuminated ETL approved 1 gallon clear plastic tank with colorful artificial plant life and decorative gravel AND a food duct for fast easy feeding!! AND, it was ON SALE!!
As I turned into my driveway - I sensed something was terribly wrong. The tank was dark, DARK I SAY! What would the neighbors think? I dashed into the house to question Katie as to why she did not turn the UL approved switch that would apply power to the socket complete with bulb? She handed me the instruction booklet and pointed to the fine print in the lower left hand corner - "Does not include light". What?, wait a minute, I read the box again (all four sides) and there it was, just like I remembered when I was standing in the K-Mart Superstore, "socket and switch complete with bulb". Now I'm no genius, but the only thing I can think of for a "switch, socket and bulb" to do would be to make LIGHT!
I'll admit I was confused, but I carefully considered my options!
A. Kill myself! (counter productive),
2. Kill the fish! (animal rights issue - this IS California ya know!).
OR
D. File a Class Action lawsuit.
Yes! Yes! Yes! THAT'S IT! Deceptive packaging, false advertising, pain and suffering (writer's cramp), emotional trauma (NO! NO! NO!, not me.....THE FISH!!). This could be huge I'm telling you, HUGE! National front page coverage and everthing !! Film at eleven.... Ok OK!, you'd probably say the guy who made the box screwed up. And the guy that made the box would say that the plant in Taiwan didn't mention a light, and the plant in Taiwan would fire all the workers and the Taiwanese economy would collapse. The whole thing could turn into an international incident - right before Christmas too. This whole ugly mess could last longer than the fish. SO.....
3. I decided to write a letter.
I'm a reasonable man and am willing to negotiate. It's not the money you know, (Did I mention I got it on sale?). Perhaps you could just send me the "socket and switch complete with bulb" that was promised on the outside of the box, and I'll forget about calling Shapiro! As a substitute, I would certainly accept one of the new "clamshell light kits designed for my special gift idea purchase" advertised on the piece of paper inside the box (that can't be seen from outside the box) that says "does not include light".
The perfect solution you know! Katie will stop crying - Jaws can begin to recover his self esteem - and last (but not least), I won't have to take this bloody aquarium 15 miles back down the 91 freeway to stand in the return line of a K-Mart Superstore roughly the size of Cleveland, which would force me to seriously re-consider option A.
Happy Holidays!
Signature (name withheld as I have no permission to post it)
CC: K-Mart Corp.
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