Saturday, October 10, 2009

Response to the best complaint letter READ PRIOR POST FIRST!!

T'was the 7th of December and all through the office
not a person was shirking not even the bosses.
The papers were piled up on the desks with care
in hopes that filing soon would be there.
The workers all toiled at their various stations
while dreaming of dancing, raises, vacations.
Mr Ross with his pen, and I with my pad,
had just finished letters. No, none were bad.

When out in the front, there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter.
Away to the portal I flew in a flash,
threw open the door, my foot I did gash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a letter of complaint, Oh Dear, NOT HERE!
The nasty old letter, so detailed, so thick,
I knew in an instant, it wasn't a trick.

More rapid than eagles, Mr Ross did come,
as he turned and shouted and called us all dumb.
"Now Stupid! Now, Slow! Now Lazy and Mopey!
On Dunce! On Stooge! On Bonehead and Dopey!
Find the culprit, I want him to fall!
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!

As quivering idiots flew every which way,
we all went a hunting the one who must pay.
Calls to Taiwan, faxes back to Dallas,
find the one wishing dear Katie malice.
The demon is hiding, we can't make him pay.
Hang him at dawn,....No....No right away.

Satisfy the customer. We must make amends,
make him happy, before this day ends.
Your letter is read once, twice and again,
a lawsuit is threatened, but no in the end.
The fever abated, a lamp, we should send.
We'll send him a lamp, her fishy will play,
Oh please, let this make the complaint go away.
On this, we decided this is what we should do,
instead of wishing the culprit the flu.

We ran to the warehouse to find us a light.
Oh, please let us find one, fore day turns to night.
Running around, yelling out orders.
Find me the light for Dave's little daughter.
"Box it all up, make it all pretty."
"Send it to him, whose letter is witty."
"Say that we're sorry and beg his forgiveness"
"Never happen again, as God is my witness."
"Throw in some extras, and label the box"
"Get UPS here before 5 o clock"

As I drew my head and was turning around,
down the drive UPS came with a bound.
He was dressed all in brown from his head to his foot,
And in his hand he held out the book.
A bundle of packages he had flung on his back,
And he said, "Hey, just sign here Mack"

His eyes how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry,
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.

He had a broad face, and a little round belly
that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump-a right jolly old elf-
and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word but went right to his work,
loading the packages, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose
and giving a nod, he stepped on my toes.

He sprang to his truck, at a girl he did whistle,
and away went the lamp, like the down of a thistle.
Bur he head us exclaim as he drove out of sight:


Friday, October 9, 2009

The best complaint letter (to be followed by my response)

This is from December 1, 1994 from a company I worked at for a short while. The customer bought a small aquarium that stated that there was an enclosed lamp. However the company that made the aquarium failed to include the lamp in any of the packages. The company I worked for had our shipping dept put the lamp in the package when the aquarium was shipped. Evidently this package got missed and we received the following letter.

Attention: Customer Service Manager

To whom it may concern;

On the evening of Tuesday Nov, 29th, I began my quest to find a rather special birthday gift for my daughter Katie. It seems her goldfish Jaws (AKA the goldfish that WILL NOT DIE), was very unhappy with his temporary living quarters which had been fashioned out of a small (and rather smelly) pickle jar! Is garlic bad for goldfish? Never mind it's not important. You see, the aquarium in which Jaws had been so blissfully living in since Christmas '92 had blown it's air pump, and was no longer fit for habitation by man or beast (or fish).
So far this is all pretty routine. I have no bones to pick with the maker of the aquarium, after all it was two years old and we got our money's worth out of it. However, it was time to surprise Katie with a new one and after going to several stores, I ended up in a K-Mart Superstore some 15 miles from my home.
On the shelf I found what appeared to be THE PERFECT AQUARIUM! It was small, self contained and said to contain everything but the fish! Could this be? I began to read the side panel (See enclosed photo copy). Hey, we're talking a complete 1 gallon aquarium with colorful artificial plant life, a hidden pump, a socket and switch complete with bulb, ETL approved, instruction booklet, U/L approved electrical parts, 1 gallon clear plastic tank, decorative gravel, food duct for easy feeding, under-gravel filtration system, and a plastic base. I rubbed my eyes - could it be true? I turned the box to the other side panel, same think! All four sides of the box are in total agreement AND, it was ON SALE!
Oh, this was my lucky day. You see, some men win the lottery, some men win the Olympics, I had only been running around for two hours, had found what I wanted, didn't get in a wreck, and managed to avoid getting mauled by the other happy holiday shoppers. AND, it was ON SALE!! This truly could be the first day of the rest of my life!
I opened the box and checked the contents, everything seemed to be in order, packaging undisturbed, clean, nice bubble wrap (really nice bubble wrap!). I rushed home in my excitement to wrap it up for my daughter who's birthday was the next day.
I got up early, left the present on the table and went to work. I could hardly concentrate all day in anticipation of arriving home to see Jaws basking the glow of an illuminated ETL approved 1 gallon clear plastic tank with colorful artificial plant life and decorative gravel AND a food duct for fast easy feeding!! AND, it was ON SALE!!
As I turned into my driveway - I sensed something was terribly wrong. The tank was dark, DARK I SAY! What would the neighbors think? I dashed into the house to question Katie as to why she did not turn the UL approved switch that would apply power to the socket complete with bulb? She handed me the instruction booklet and pointed to the fine print in the lower left hand corner - "Does not include light". What?, wait a minute, I read the box again (all four sides) and there it was, just like I remembered when I was standing in the K-Mart Superstore, "socket and switch complete with bulb". Now I'm no genius, but the only thing I can think of for a "switch, socket and bulb" to do would be to make LIGHT!
I'll admit I was confused, but I carefully considered my options!
A. Kill myself! (counter productive),
2. Kill the fish! (animal rights issue - this IS California ya know!).
D. File a Class Action lawsuit.
Yes! Yes! Yes! THAT'S IT! Deceptive packaging, false advertising, pain and suffering (writer's cramp), emotional trauma (NO! NO! NO!, not me.....THE FISH!!). This could be huge I'm telling you, HUGE! National front page coverage and everthing !! Film at eleven.... Ok OK!, you'd probably say the guy who made the box screwed up. And the guy that made the box would say that the plant in Taiwan didn't mention a light, and the plant in Taiwan would fire all the workers and the Taiwanese economy would collapse. The whole thing could turn into an international incident - right before Christmas too. This whole ugly mess could last longer than the fish. SO.....
3. I decided to write a letter.
I'm a reasonable man and am willing to negotiate. It's not the money you know, (Did I mention I got it on sale?). Perhaps you could just send me the "socket and switch complete with bulb" that was promised on the outside of the box, and I'll forget about calling Shapiro! As a substitute, I would certainly accept one of the new "clamshell light kits designed for my special gift idea purchase" advertised on the piece of paper inside the box (that can't be seen from outside the box) that says "does not include light".
The perfect solution you know! Katie will stop crying - Jaws can begin to recover his self esteem - and last (but not least), I won't have to take this bloody aquarium 15 miles back down the 91 freeway to stand in the return line of a K-Mart Superstore roughly the size of Cleveland, which would force me to seriously re-consider option A.
Happy Holidays!
Signature (name withheld as I have no permission to post it)
CC: K-Mart Corp.

Friday, January 9, 2009

You think this is becoming? attractive? less than GROSS? Really?


Someone sent me this picture in one of those unsolicited, boring emails. When I saw it I almost spit my drink all over the monitor. Which is probably the reaction this person was going for in the first place.

YIKES!!! This is scariest thing I think I’ve seen in a long, long time. Why on earth would anyone put themselves thru this?

I can’t imagine ANYONE ever hiring this person for any job. Even a tattoo parlor or piercing salon wouldn’t want this hanging around. I would think he/she would be detrimental to business.

“You too can look like this! Think of the money you’ll save since you won’t need to buy deodorant, soap, toothpaste or laundry detergent. No one will want to be anywhere around you so you don’t need to smell good. Here’s an example of what you could look like if we take full advantage of your lack of sense. And in the process help ourselves to as much of your money as we possibly can. We will tattoo and pierce you until money stops oozing from your pockets. Don’t worry about the oozing sores from all the piercings. They’ll go away with your purchase of one of our antiseptic packages from our convenient clinic next door. Call now to make an appointment”

Maybe he/she could get a job in a circus or a sideshow or even a haunted house. I know I would run far and fast if this was chasing me. Why am I wishing that someone would tell me that this picture is Photoshopped? I really don’t want to think that some poor demented person paid good money to have this done to them on purpose. And that some unscrupulous tattoo parlor or piercing salon took full advantage of them.

While I fully endorse free expression and believe in the adage “To each their own”, I really have a hard time with this.

Anyway, Welcome to my current nightmare…..this picture has taken up permanent residence in my brain like one of those insidious ear worm songs that float around in your head over and over. I’m hoping that by passing it on to the bits and bites of the internet IT might worm it’s way out of my psyche.

My fingers are crossed!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Children and their Children or the Grandest of the Grand

Grandchildren are a Joy and a Blessing.
Grandchildren are all wonderful.
Grandchildren are all beautiful.
Grandchildren are all intelligent.

just ask me, I'll tell ya!

I can not think of any other person, place or thing that leaves me without the vocabulary to describe.
Maybe this is a first grandchild high but it just about fills my heart to overflowing and then some.
I am a Piper hog. I monopolize every second she is in Texas. (She lives in Arkansas) I don't share well, if at all. Not even with my husband, her doting Grandpa.

I begrudge every minute that someone else has with her. What is happening to me? I've never, ever been a jealous person. Never had that great green-eyed monster darken the edges of my mind until now. Now I don't want her to leave my sight. She is one year and one day old and she has such a firm, solid grasp on her Grand mama that it scares me.

I don't understand when this fearsome force entered my life and took control of my every waking moment. And, truth be told, every sleeping moment because I think I hear her over, and over, and over, all night long! What do I think I'm going to do if I ever really hear her at night? Barge into my DS and DDIL's bedroom and snatch her from them? That will not be allowed, by my standards or theirs. She is their child and I have NO RIGHT ACTING THIS WAY!

But I can't seem to stop. I tell my husband that I'm going to behave and not carry her around, or take her out of other loving arms but I just don't do it. I don't even realize that I'm doing the snatching monopolizing thing at all. I just follow her around and act the fool.

I guess that's just what Grandparents do. Or maybe this is a fleeting thing and it will pass sooner or later. Either way...


It could be hazardous to your health and well-being.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Blah Humbug

I guess it's just that time of year....the time for the BLAHS! Every year at Christmas we all miss someone/something that we love/loved. We all face the same empty spot/place/cavernous void. Usually we moan/groan and pretend that the spot is in our wallet/budget. We bemoan the fact that we do not have all the $$ that we crave/need to fill that vast emptiness. But the real emptiness is from a person/thing that is gone from our lives albeit physically/emotionally/spiritually.

I flit from bouncy to blah just by a phone call/memory/not so well thought out comment from a spouse. It doesn't take much to get me spinning from one to the other. I try to stay upbeat/happy but sometimes the force of BLAHNESS is just too powerful. It can wrap it's furry tentacle around my happy mood in a heartbeat.

I don't know why I believe that BLAHS have furry tentacles but in my mind BLAHS are like land based Octopi. They are similar in shape but are furry like a childs soft toy octopus. However, they have the requisite slimy suckers on the soft underside of their very fuzzy tentacles. They also come in fun colors, made to mix/match to suit your needs. Purple for the really down/dejected among us. Pink for the ones missing their sisters/mothers/daughters/female friends. Blue for they that miss their brother/father/son/male friends. Green for those bemoaning the Earth's impending doom. Match the ribbon/bracelet to the Octopi. They also exist in multi-colored hues. Each tentacle can be colored to match the corresponding dismal dejection.

When I'm feeling the lonely/down hearted/dejected I just picture my dejection octopus. Right now it has a black body/blue fuzzy tentacles/red slimy suckers. It is pulsing with power. Angry at my need for it's existance. Ready to be on it's way. I watch as it grows larger/stronger. With each pulse it's colors glow. My mind makes it grow as large as a mans head. Then I pick it up and heave it onto that "not so celebral" spouses head!

And my mood instantly changes! He looks awfully silly with a black/blue/red Octopus sitting on his head like an ill fitting hat. Those red slimy suckers slurping onto his face, giving him little round hickeys which will turn into black/blue bruises soon! When I feel that he has suffered enough, I pull the tentacles off his head. Whistle a happy tune and put away my Octopus for another day.